16 Dec Q & A at the Satsang (Harmony in Marriage)
The topic for the Satsang on Sunday, 16th December, 2012 was ‘Harmony in Marriage’.
Following is the transcript of the Q & A between the audience and Smt. Hansaji Yogendra.
Q. If husband has cheated you, should I just accept him as he is when you are faithful to him?
Smt. Hansaji: I would still say, it is always openness with each other on what is required. That is again a very strong point between husband and wife. Sometimes a person becomes weak, he cheats in certain different ways, has certain relations, or cheats on money. But now if he has come back to sanity, nothing’s wrong in continuing life together. If you want to separate, choice is yours. But just because he cheated you, not to continue with each other is not the issue. Right now, what he is, has he learnt a lesson after cheating? Is he now a better human being? You have to see it from that angle and decide.
Q. We are a working couple with a child but all expenses are taken care of individually. How to build trust with respect to financial management?
Smt. Hansaji: This is a very sensitive issue. Both are earning and both can’t earn exactly the same, some a little more, some a little less and with that comes ego. First of all, in marriage, there is no scope of ego. Whatever we are earning is together. I should not even remember how much I have put and how much he has put in. It is ‘our money’, not ‘my money’ or ‘your money’. Money is money, it has to be used. So money should be utilized from a joint fund and the other should be informed of what we are using the money for, so that there is a record.
Q. It is said that marriage is a wheel of a car. What can be done when one wheel does not work hand in hand with the other? Any solution? Can a single person carry on the marriage for long?
Smt. Hansaji: Well, if there is a presence of a person, as I say, this is an Institute, a peon may be sleeping, but even so, his position is important, rather than throwing him away. Here is a husband who is not doing the job, maybe just sitting, not doing anything, maybe he is not having a job, you are having a job… I don’t know the exact situation, but nothing is wrong. One person can also run the whole show. What happens if your partner dies? You are running the show or not? Or do you say, now I can’t manage? If my partner doesn’t do the work, I have to do double the work. So don’t start comparing that I work this much, so you have to work that much. I have seen families where there is a sort of communistic mind where they say yesterday I have cleaned the house, so today you clean the house. Today he might be tired, or not. We can’t live like this. Whatever you can do, you do. If he has done, fine, if he hasn’t, fine. If I have to do, I will plan my way, I will live my way systematically. But, somebody, a human being, present in the house is a big thing. You should not break it.
Q. My marriage is good, I get along with my wife, she also gets along with my family, the point of contention is my in-laws. Their way of life is so different from ours. How to get along?
Smt. Hansaji: In-laws again is a very big problem. But, do little bit then, keep little away if it is too much. But you should be doing your duty. So if I have a mother-in-law who is not well, I should be taking care of her. After all, I got my husband because of her, I should be thankful for that and I should be taking care of her, but I should see that I don’t talk about day-to-day life or about family members. Our subjects for talking should be something different. There are many other things to talk, you should have some jokes to crack, some stories to tell.
Q. I love my husband very much but my husband wants a divorce. What should I do?
Smt. Hansaji: That is your husband’s problem. If you love him, the matter ends there. If the husband wants divorce, let him try, let him do whatever he wants to do, you continue caring, loving and maintaining your own sanity. Don’t suffer because of your husband, don’t bring negativity or go into depression because of him. Good should never suffer. A good person should feel that he is doing his duty well and should continue doing it more. Find out where you are not doing your duty well and do your job well and be satisfied with it.
Q. What if my partner is always doubting me and is suspicious of every activity I perform and is also over-possessive about me?
Smt. Hansaji: I always give an example of a dog, how do you live with a dog? A dog barks and bites, yet we keep it. Why? Because it has one good quality that it is loyal. We remember what irritates the dog and avoid doing that. So don’t go into theory that he is possessive. It’s good that someone is possessive of you, otherwise who cares about anyone these days? Somehow avoid doing what he doesn’t like, what difference does it make? Someday he might change, you might be able to handle it. Don’t make a big issue of it. Just listen to him and see how life changes.
Q. After marriage if we don’t want to keep any relations with the parents or the in-laws, shall we go for it?
Smt. Hansaji: You have no choice in life. How can we choose that we don’t want this mother and this father? It is not a question of ‘want’ or ‘don’t want’. It is a question of your duty. They are your family members and you have to do your duty. Learn how to manage. Wants have no place in the world. You have to accept and do your part well in life.