Smt. Hansaji on Harmony in Marriage at the Satsang (16th Dec 2012)

Hansaji Jayadeva Yogendra

“When we use the word Harmony, we must understand that two people are absolutely opposite to each other. God has made husband and wife quite different. Their approach towards thinking, feeling, looking at the world, taking decisions, would be totally different. You will not find anybody who can understand you 100 %. Not possible.

When you are born, the relationship of the parents with the child is very different. Parents totally take care of you, overpower you very often, don’t allow you to do what you want to do and somehow you listen to them because you are under them and carry on. But when you grow big, you are independently managing life and then when you get married, things are very different. The entire psychology and approach is different. Now you are like a parent, a responsible person.

I asked in a few classes, “Why do you marry?” and I would get a few answers: (1) Because it is a custom to marry after a certain age, (2) We were in love with each other. It is little inherent attraction between male and female. (3) For fun, for sexual needs and (4) Alone, you cannot cope up with many things and so two are better than one.

Actually, none of these answers, according to us, would be a right answer. Marriage is totally for self growth, self development. When you have to adjust with somebody, you have to see that you let go of your opinion and listen to somebody’s opinion. So when you have to live with somebody, first you have to be a very good listener. When you go to a doctor, you listen to the doctor and whatever he tells you, you do and you are benefited. You have faith in him and accordingly, you function. What happens between husband and wife? If both have to talk, nothing would work. You want to say something, but first listen and when the other person finishes, start thinking about it from his angle, have understanding, have compassion, have clarity about what he wants to tell you, why he wants to tell you, if you don’t understand, ask him again, “Why did you say this?” Show complete sincerity and afterwards if you have something to say, definitely say in your way, but then he would be in a listening state.

Very often I hear this statement that “I didn’t ever get to live in my way.” There is no one way. When two people have come together, there has to be togetherness. You forget your ‘I – Sense’ and merge with the opposite person. Some people will say that they were happier before marriage. But something was missing, because there was no anchor, there was no purpose of life, there was no discipline. We would be thinking only in our way and very often we would realize that our way is not our way, we have to function according to the situation, according to nature, according to the weather, according to everything. So everywhere you have to think of something other than you. So this basic learning comes when you get married. Instead of ‘me’, ‘my’, ‘my opinions’, ‘my way’, ‘my likes and dislikes’, I start thinking of ‘you’, ‘your thinking’, ‘your ways’, ‘your likes and dislikes’ also.

Let me give you my personal example of when I got married to Dr. Jayadeva. He doesn’t want to express, or say what he likes or doesn’t like, or impose his opinions on others and if others don’t follow what he is, he’s quiet. Somewhere I was thinking, how to make him express, but it took a long time. I had come from a family where I was experiencing all varieties of life. I was on the stage right from childhood, speaking, expressing, dance, drama, etc. He was very must focussed on his studies always. He was very much averse to ladies. No woman. Very, very controlled. But then things were different, I said, “Now we are married, now at least you should look at me.” His eyes would always be down. So when I get ready in a sari, I would say, “Now look at me, tell me, does this look nice or no?” And he slowly started telling me, “This is fine,” “This is good,” and so on. I had to keep lots of patience to get across to him, now he knows and sincerely does the things that are required by me. And against it, I know what are the things that he doesn’t need because his body can’t accept it.

Somehow, the work we both are doing, we are doing together and that helped very much. That is something where majority of our time, thinking, energy goes. So that made life more useful and meaningful. Life with husband and wife should be in full love and respect of each other, no matter what. Sometimes he wears his clothes wrong side up, I don’t start hating him for that. He is not concerned about body, I know he is a different personality, so I accept him. Don’t start finding out faults. Not accepting a person as he is, makes the whole difference in the relationship. Try and understand the inner aspect of that personality and you realize that that person is very caring, compassionate. With duty, if there is love and respect, you bring tremendous joy and life becomes very beautiful, very meaningful.

Somehow in marriage, when somebody overpowers the other, when somebody wants the other to be only in a particular way, that creates the problem. I know a couple where the lady talks a lot and the man tells her to “Talk less. See by talking so much, so many people misunderstand you, so many problems are happening.” But she would talk. Now, he would not say anything or stop her or criticize her again and again. But when she’s in trouble, he would give her a helping hand. You respect your partner as he or she is. That brings inner change. Husband and wife are not coming together to change each other. It is easy to find faults, but we should keep in mind their good qualities.

We are marrying for our own growth. Individually, everybody is half; with marriage, you become complete. Because life then has some path to move ahead with. There will be some time-table, some system, where you are caring for the other, not just living for yourself. All this makes life grow towards spirituality and once you are on the path of spirituality, there would be peace and harmony.”